Less Asian than John Mulaney
by Jasmine Gluck
In case you haven’t heard of it, John Mulaney, a famous comedian, has a comedy routine called “Asian American Woman.” In it, he jokingly explains how due to his unique features and voice, was often mistaken for an Asian American woman when he was young. As a result, he faced bullying and teasing from his white peers. I listened to his story and laughed along, but internally realized how I have the opposite problem.
Unlike Mulaney, I am actually an Asian American woman. To be more specific, I’m half Thai, half American. I guess my genes must have decided to take most of my features from my father, a white man. Light skin; reddish hair; light brown, wide eyes - I have it all. On a stroke of luck, as some may call it, I’m what is considered to be fully “white passing.” When I was younger, my Thai mother once told me that I was lucky to look so white. Even as a seven year old, I knew why - the racial discrimination that Asian Americans often face in predominantly white countries. Funnily enough, even with that privilege, I felt bad. I’m very aware that my looks give me an advantage many will never have, and that I should feel grateful. I am - I recognize the challenges others face that I don’t. But being different from everyone else never feels good, and exclusion feels even worse.
Like most people, I’m proud of my identity. I celebrate both sides of my heritage, the northern Thai food, the Passover celebrations, and the mixture of the two that resides in my own house. The thing is, most people only see that white, American part when they look at me. It gets to the point where some people outright deny my ethnicity. I’ve heard “Oh, I never thought,” and “Wow, I didn’t know” plenty of times, but occasionally there’s even “No way,” or simply, “How?” I have to admit, I feel a little sad sometimes when I’m not seen for who I really am.
It’s a funny thing, being an imposter in your own body, or a foreigner in a place half of your family calls home. I think it’s part of every Asian American’s experience — that out of place feeling, or the discomfort of never quite belonging in any one community. It’s something I’ve felt my whole life, too white to be Asian, yet too Asian to be American. I don’t fit the common racial stereotypes, and while that can be seen as a good thing, something to set me apart, it often makes it difficult for people to recognize me as Asian, American, or both.
One of my hopes is that people will eventually open their minds to all the different things being Asian American is and can be. I want to be able to hold the same pride and fierce love that others do for their heritage, and not be judged or looked at strangely for it.
Judges' Comments
This insightful essay does a wonderful job of explaining how being "white-passing" isn't the advantage it may seem to be. - A.K.
Thanks for sharing this authentic and stimulating reflection on being “an imposter in your own body.” The essay provokes thoughts about the complexity and richness of AAPI identities, and energizes the reader with its hope for genuine inclusivity. - N.M.
This was a beautiful, moving essay. The author’s voice really came through, and as a mixed race Asian American Jewish writer, I was so moved by how beautifully and powerfully this author captured their experiences in the world. I want to commend this author for capturing the intersections and nuances of their identity and sense of community, and look forward to this young writer’s future work! - S.T.
by Jasmine Gluck
In case you haven’t heard of it, John Mulaney, a famous comedian, has a comedy routine called “Asian American Woman.” In it, he jokingly explains how due to his unique features and voice, was often mistaken for an Asian American woman when he was young. As a result, he faced bullying and teasing from his white peers. I listened to his story and laughed along, but internally realized how I have the opposite problem.
Unlike Mulaney, I am actually an Asian American woman. To be more specific, I’m half Thai, half American. I guess my genes must have decided to take most of my features from my father, a white man. Light skin; reddish hair; light brown, wide eyes - I have it all. On a stroke of luck, as some may call it, I’m what is considered to be fully “white passing.” When I was younger, my Thai mother once told me that I was lucky to look so white. Even as a seven year old, I knew why - the racial discrimination that Asian Americans often face in predominantly white countries. Funnily enough, even with that privilege, I felt bad. I’m very aware that my looks give me an advantage many will never have, and that I should feel grateful. I am - I recognize the challenges others face that I don’t. But being different from everyone else never feels good, and exclusion feels even worse.
Like most people, I’m proud of my identity. I celebrate both sides of my heritage, the northern Thai food, the Passover celebrations, and the mixture of the two that resides in my own house. The thing is, most people only see that white, American part when they look at me. It gets to the point where some people outright deny my ethnicity. I’ve heard “Oh, I never thought,” and “Wow, I didn’t know” plenty of times, but occasionally there’s even “No way,” or simply, “How?” I have to admit, I feel a little sad sometimes when I’m not seen for who I really am.
It’s a funny thing, being an imposter in your own body, or a foreigner in a place half of your family calls home. I think it’s part of every Asian American’s experience — that out of place feeling, or the discomfort of never quite belonging in any one community. It’s something I’ve felt my whole life, too white to be Asian, yet too Asian to be American. I don’t fit the common racial stereotypes, and while that can be seen as a good thing, something to set me apart, it often makes it difficult for people to recognize me as Asian, American, or both.
One of my hopes is that people will eventually open their minds to all the different things being Asian American is and can be. I want to be able to hold the same pride and fierce love that others do for their heritage, and not be judged or looked at strangely for it.
Judges' Comments
This insightful essay does a wonderful job of explaining how being "white-passing" isn't the advantage it may seem to be. - A.K.
Thanks for sharing this authentic and stimulating reflection on being “an imposter in your own body.” The essay provokes thoughts about the complexity and richness of AAPI identities, and energizes the reader with its hope for genuine inclusivity. - N.M.
This was a beautiful, moving essay. The author’s voice really came through, and as a mixed race Asian American Jewish writer, I was so moved by how beautifully and powerfully this author captured their experiences in the world. I want to commend this author for capturing the intersections and nuances of their identity and sense of community, and look forward to this young writer’s future work! - S.T.